As I've gotten older, I've become attuned to the fact the way I am is difficult for people at times. I'm inaccessible, I'm removed, I'm cold, I'm stubborn, I'm opinionated, I'm obstinate, I'm dismissive...but at the same time I'm loving, I'm giving, I'm open, I'm passionate, I'm an organiser, motivator and humanist. I accept that this is a conflicting persona, and that it makes me wholly impossible to truly know, or at least get behind the 'walls' that have been built up around me. By me.
There are reasons we are who we are. There are catalysts over time that affect us in ways that sometimes take years to realise and see.
The other day I watched a documentary on paedaphiles/grooming and got very vocal and angry on the subject. The same, I guess, as most decent humans and parents. Only.......
When I was a very young child, I was indecently assaulted. If you want to use the word rape, do so. The truth is, I don't have, nor will ever have, I suspect, the full picture in true clarity of what happened. I have snap shots from the first person, and third person perspective in my head, that are clear, but not complete. I guess this is acceptable for a young child who understands nothing of the sexual nature of life. Sometimes I have flashback of a vivid nature that irritate the hell out of me, because they are incomplete to the adult mind. Sometimes I feel and sense 'something', that I just can't process, as its in my 5/6yr old psyche. I don't know who in my family knows about it, although I have visions that allay to something happening following something I said about this at the time, or indeed who in my family knows that I either remember or understood at the time what happened. To this day I'm as much in the dark, as ignorant then. I've only ever told a few details about this to a couple of trusted souls....this has lived with me for over thirty years. forgive me for blurting this out, but hey, I'm trying to get over it, so you have to too...
Second up is the Encephalitis. Or not so much that, but the ensuing dying thing; out of body experience, surreal existential mind-fuck, and realisation that the things I held true as values suddenly jumped up another level and gave me a whole new perspective on life, acceptance, expectance, and importance. I will NEVER be able to vocalise this to anyone other than those truly blessed people who have seen and felt life ebb away from them before their eyes, and to be given it back. It is a part of me that is ever existing and drives my dismissive side; my 'so the fuck what?' Side. There are more important things than what the new, irrelevant directive says. Have some bollocks, stand up for your principles and live respectfully.
The third thing is my back issues....yes, I know I've been vocal about it a few times, but it's affected me more than I let on, I guess. This time around again has reminded me. The first trouble I had was when I was a fighting fit, twenty something, testosterone driven, invincible lad. I had aches, pains, and got the absolute shit ripped out of me when I hinted at being uncomfortable. Which, to be fair, as an uncompromising, order-barking, whip cracker of a football playing team mate, was to be expected. I took no excuses from anyone else and here I was giving them for myself. The day I was in the foetal position for 4hrs was the lowest of my life thus far. Every day since, almost, I have had to work hard on stretching, conditioning and manipulating to just be able to exist in some degree of relative comfort. I just do this now, as part of life and accept it. Until I forget and revert within a week or so to a wonky, pain riddled whinge bag.
I'm sorry if I sometimes come across as a distant, cold, hide behind the walls person. I'm sorry if you think I offend you sometimes through my open, brazen honesty and opinion-offering ways. I'm sorry if I can't always bend in the right way, or do as you may wish, because it's 'easiest' that way.
The wise-cracking, bravado-filled, arrogant, comical, flirtatious, obstinate, giving, loving, encouraging, driving, helping, laughing soul I portray, is not a smoke screen or alter ego. It is all me and all the same. I don't bend much, nor do I see the need to. Life has forged me into the me I am, and the me I am is as honest with the tools in my armoury as I can be.
Love and peace, Leeky out. xXx